english majors be like furthermore
You Might Also Like
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
The news in a nutshell.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
💻🤡
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again