I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
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Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit