My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
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[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.