(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
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Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes