some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
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*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I know karate and tons of other words.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.