If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
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Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Thinking about Jeff
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.