Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
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I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE