“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
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ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.