Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
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My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
The only equipped I am is ill.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.