[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
You Might Also Like
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.