doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
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Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
catch me on valentine’s day like
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front