me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
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me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Good morning
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
I think the cat got the dog high.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs