I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
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The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
liiiiiiiiike
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
My wedding will be open casket.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine