My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
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I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”