Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
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When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
The Sun
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.