The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
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Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
🍞🦆
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses