My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
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[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama