murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
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My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.