6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
You Might Also Like
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
me
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Something Saturday.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…