Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
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Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi