Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
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Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.