My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
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My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”