At what age should you put the tonsils back in
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Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.