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my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.