Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
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Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-