With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
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There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
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The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.