I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
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I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”