[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
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Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Never forget.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
The prophecy is fulfilled
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
(by @ZachWeiner )
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.