CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
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So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
All set.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
it was love at first sight
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
A double negative is a big no-no.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.