Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
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Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON: