Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
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Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
This kid will have a bright future.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no