My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
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If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift