James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
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me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Well, this is awkward
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time