Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
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your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Just say no
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.