POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
You Might Also Like
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.