I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
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Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
worst…sale…ever
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.