my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
You Might Also Like
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.