I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
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What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.