When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
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I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?