Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
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Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.