McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
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everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
“no gods no masters” = leo
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Ah yes. The three genders
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
WHY would you be happy about this?
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer