eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
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The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.