Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
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Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.