When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
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*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.