Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
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Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way