Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
You Might Also Like
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.