Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
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Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over