Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
You Might Also Like
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.