When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
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ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.