I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
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Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude